Hello there, and let me "officially" welcome people to 2012.

As anyone knows who actually follows my walkthroughs, they have been off and on, cancelled and extremely slow since I finished Dead Island. This has to do with many reasons, including trying to run my business, work on Amethyst Star, play games in my free time and the main reason I'm writing this, my Depression.

Most people don't know, and I imagine won't care that I am a long-term sufferer of excruciatingly severe depression. Come march, I will have been attempting to fight it for nigh-5 years now. Most people when they hear the word "Depression" that it's just a bad feeling, and that they're fishing for sympathy and comments, that "things will get better" just by them saying so.

All of which, is complete bollocks. Depression is an incredibly painful thing for anyone to go through and for most people it will never go, they just learn to cope with it. It is a mental illness, and a horrid one at that. When you're depressed, and you're in a "Depressive" mood, the world can appear black and white. There is no colour in anything, everything is wrong and for the life of you nothing goes your way. You have no energy and you do not care about getting up, eating, drinking, sleeping. You just wish to lay there and rot. Your social life breaks down and your friends may slowly abandon you one by one, potentially you could end up becoming a shut-in, having no life to speak of.

Some people will suffer with it as severe as me, some will not, and some will have it much worse which may even end up in them taking their own life. It's an incredibly painful thing to talk about, but I needed to get things off my chest, as I recently have suffered a horrible depressive episode and nearly lost the woman I love over it as I pushed her way too far.

It began in March 07, one on normal day, I was approaching home from a normal day after visiting my grandparents on the bus and my Dad had gone to buy himself a new bike. It was about a 6-7 mile cycle home, but he did it every day to get to work so it would of been no problem. It was approaching 2 hours or so later, and I was on the lookout for my Dad whilst I was on his laptop, and I couldn't see him, but I kept reinforcing my thoughts that he'd be home any minute soon. I went back onto the laptop as the battery died, and then I heard a woman scream "MURDER" from outside the house, we all rushed outside.

It was my Dad's mum, she kept screaming about there being a murder, so I sprinted round the corner of my house, faster than I have ever ran in my life and I saw a group of people huddled around my Dad collapsed on the floor, his body was limp and lifeless and his eyes stared blankly into the sky. I had no idea what had happened but my body froze up, adrenaline surged through my blood and I had a severe panic attack. A few minutes later the paramedics came but I knew in my heart it was already too late. His mum gave us a lift to the hospital, as soon as we got there I sprinted to emergency where my Mum's nan and grandad were (I see them on a weekly basis) and we were directed to a waiting room. 5 minutes of solid crying and having a nervous breakdown, the doctor came to the room. They did everything they could, he had passed away.

The months that followed including the funeral I was, numb. It was like it hadn't even affected me. Every member of my close family couldn't stop crying and all showed emotion, but I wasn't letting it affect me. I stood strong and I took the burden off of everyone's shoulders for them because it hurt me to see them upset. I went back to school a few weeks after he died, things were difficult. My grades significantly dropped from A*'s to around C and D, homework was never done and I skipped every detention. My friends noticed a slow change in my personality too, I became more aggressive and irritated at the slightest thing. I finished my 8th year in school, and come November of my 9th year I lost it.

I had a mental breakdown and I was finally diagnosed with severe depression. My Dad's death, school being ridiculously stressful and having no-one I could speak to and severe bullying led me to having a total collapse. For the year and half that followed I was house bound, worse in fact. I sat at the computer literally doing nothing but play games, watch TV episodes and the like. I refused to let the curtains be opened or even the windows, I was absolutely terrified and paranoid of the world and everyone. I sat at that chair and barely moved, I only slept in my bed after a few weeks of uncomfortable sleeping on the chair. I didn't wash for months, my diet slipped and I only ate chocolate, crisps and got through 2-4 Liters of Pepsi/Coke a day. I put on a huge amount of weight but I cared about nothing, eventually it got so bad I myself tried to end my life. I won't say how, but, it was an incredibly dark period in my life, around the time I was originally banned on YouTube and WMG pulled my videos.

Shortly after I joined a special school for people suffering from Mental Health issues, and I met a few great people, I'm still in contact with one and he's like a brother to me. I won't mention his name as I don't think he'd appreciate it too much but anyone close to me knows who I'm talking about. I managed to finish my last year and I got C's in English/Maths which wasn't too bad and I also met a girl who I was together with as we started college... that's when things got worse.

For the first month of our relationship, everything was great, she was really kind and lovely and we fell in love. She manipulated me over the next few months making me practically doing anything for her.. then I had an insurance payout from my dad's death. It was a large sum of money, and I won't disclose it, but until sometime last year she did nothing but use me for all of it bar £2000 before leaving me for another bloke. She also cheated on me twice during the time I was with her, I left college after suffering a nervous breakdown and my depression came back like a sledgehammer to the kneecaps.

From late(ish) 2011 to January... I was alone, my depression was getting progressively worse and I felt life slipping away from me. My business TGW Games fell under and I had no job anymore. I gave up walkthroughing and just began to plummet.

Then on the 10th January 2012, I met someone, someone very special. A fellow gamer, absolutely hyper at times, the most beautiful person this has ever or will ever see, the most perfect personality and loves me for... well, me. Her name is Suzan, and yesterday I had a horrible depressive episode I couldn't control and we had a horrible argument pushing her into a depressive episode herself. It was the worst thing I have ever done, and it will take some time for me to properly forgive myself. I am seeing her in February, who knows, she may become a part-time pro at TGW Games.

I really needed to make this blog for 2 reasons:

1) I wanted to speak out about my depression and get things off of my chest.
2) I wanted the whole world, the whole of the internet, and all of my subscribers and followers, and most importantly my perfect girlfriend Suzan to know... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I know you forgive me but I wanted to prove to you how sorry I truly am <3

I love you Suzan, you're my everything <3
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As many of you are aware... (I'm imagining people will read this) I have been fairly... inactive, sort of. Not many videos, Amethyst Star wasn't released when I said it would be (Sorry!) and other things.

FEAR NO MORE.

I'm back baby! And I'm back with a BANG. Like a gun, or a nuke... which is highly original. Any who, Amethyst Star WILL be released. I'm using all my free time to finish the game in between running a business and various other things I do.

I'm trying to pack it full of hilarious jokes and side quests so that people won't get bored. Which is why it's taking so long (trying to re-balance a good chunk of it doesn't help either lol) and make sure it's user friendly so I won't receive a tonne of messages asking me why my level design is shit and everywhere looks the same and they got lost, threw their computer out of the window whilst yelling about Windows 98.

And, I have not quit the walkthroughing scene, albeit I did help kick it off, I am still doing it, sort of. Once the Amethyst Star Beta has been released more walkthroughs will pop up... starting with (ugh) Modern Warfare 2, then the godawful Sequel to try and reclaim some subs, so I can annoy everyone with originality and then do Battlefield 3... then Elder Scrolls Skyrim as I have been OTT excited about it since it was announced.

This has become exponentially long and I do apologize.
Thanks for reading - Cam/Thegamerwalkthroughs
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